As member of the IPI team I had agreed to submit blogs for the ipi-website at regular intervals, and now it was my turn. But… I am engaged in many unrelated things, and I was finding it difficult to put my mind and energy into coming up with something. Helplessly I observed the drama that got initiated inside me. How a small exercise can give rise to all kind of emotions, all totally unwarranted and needless!
Not trusting myself to come up with something interesting and meaningful, I scanned a few books hoping something might appeal to me and give me some lead into what I should write about, but it was a fruitless exercise. Rather, I felt more dejected and hopeless, and the sense of being un-creative, dumb, became more and more pronounced.
As this grew, I encountered a concrete block inside which did not allow anything sensible to emerge. While in the beginning this mental block felt somewhat tentative, soon it became conspicuously solid and thick, occupying a large space inside, not allowing any room for anything worthwhile to seep through. A feeling of anger and frustration tried to camouflage the feeling of worthlessness that was besieging this small creature. There was a real angst about the sense of being forced to do something, which I was finding increasingly impossible to do.
The space and energy that was taken up by a mental preoccupation with the ‘blog’ was an eye-opener for me. What stupid ability I had of making a mountain out of absolutely nothing! My spectacles were fitted with a lens which appraised EVERYTHING with a negative overtone simply because I felt too dumb to come up with something intelligent and worth sharing on a blog. Thankfully I was able to take some distance from the emotional drama that was happening inside, in spite of being at the same time involved in it.
Almost everything that I was doing during the last two days was riddled with the query what to write for the blog, and of course, no answer was forthcoming. To make matters worse, a sense of lack and ineptitude about myself expressed itself in quite an inappropriate reaction to a conversation, leading to further useless complications. I was aware of the pettiness of the issue, and yet I was finding it impossible to find a way out. The more these emotions played up, the more thickly entangled and messy it all became. The only saving grace was that a part of me could stand apart and watch the whole thing playing itself out on the inner stage.
A potent sense of desperation gripped this small creature. I prayed for help for everything that I was going through. Even that was not straightforward. I challenged Them by asking that if you really help as has been claimed, then I’d like to see you helping me produce a blog when absolutely NOTHING is coming forth in terms of ideas or expression, and there is a totally flailing confidence that I can produce even a single sensible sentence.
And finally help did come! It came in the form of a clear sense of melting of the concrete block inside, a sense of space being created, of finally being able to breathe a little more easily as a ray of hope shone through that something will come, I will be able to write something….
My takeaway from this experience is that I became aware how self-observation helps! When the inner chaos becomes too overwhelming for one’s sensibilities, it breaks one’s defences, and forces one to step aside and watch the drama that is unfolding (despite oneself being a party to the same). Also, when the cry for help is potent and sincere, it gets answered in a manner one may not have envisaged. I can only hope that such experiences will help me to step back more pro-actively in future and surrender right in the beginning rather than to wait for a near total breakdown before doing so.